I tried to be happy. I tried to absorb the happiness of the season and not be a grinch, but I feel incredibly jaded of all the supposed merriness. I don't and haven't felt happy the past few holiday seasons as far as I can remember. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for having my family and friends, but there is something missing, a hole that I've felt.

I hope 2009 is a better year where I can somehow fix my problems and not feel so out of control. I just hope to have the courage and strength to get through this growing debacle. Enough is Enough. When the problem gets sucked into a cycle, I know I'm not doing something right and I hope to find the answer to it soon.

History has been repeating itself too many times for me already. I've identified my weaknesses and have worked to improve upon it, yet still failed miserably. What am I doing wrong? I've pondered this for quiet a while and have come to the conclusion that I'm frankly just burned out.

I thought that I'll have the strength to move forward once I've removed the obstacles and pushed myself harder to achieve achieve and achieve until I realize that I couldn't achieve anything but just crash and burn. I've exhausted my energy in the last obstacle and didn't give myself time to replenish.

Well I already took a break and hopefully now that I'm somewhat recovered, I can start working on the next obstacle, hopefully with a less detrimental effect.

May history never repeat itself... for there are too many great stories out there waiting to be written.

I've always believed in destiny as in I'm destined to be this or that... but now I'm not so sure. I don't believe in destiny anymore. I think it's more productive and realistic to think that you create your own destiny versus thinking that it's already decided for you and you have to just wait for it to happen.

I've decided that it's time for me to get a grip on myself and do what I want to do cuz  no one is going to do it for me... and waiting around isn't going to help anything.

I just hope for courage and the strength that I know I'll need in order to overcome this.